


Because when you kissed me I knew I loved you

by Lynx12232



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Drunken Kissing, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28396722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynx12232/pseuds/Lynx12232
Summary: Sirius' and Remus' short get together story. Remus kind of being a jerk and oblivious, but we still love him.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 13





	Because when you kissed me I knew I loved you

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language and I practise writing in it, I would love some comments on my mistakes and all. Hope you enjoy! :D

Remus glared over to the night sky, spotting the moon reduced to half. This image of the satellite was something strangely comforting. That was probably because around this phase was when Remus felt his best. It was a perfect middle, long enough after his last transformation to be recovered from it and long enough before his next one to yet feel it’s effects. And as to be, he currently felt excellent, energetic and so… It was quite hard to describe even, like his body was fully his own, he was fully in control, and his mind so clear. Everything seemed so easy in days like that, he could feel like a god. This spike of courage and confidence had brought him to this place. The top of the Astronomy Tower, with the summer wind flowing through his hair and Ismene Gorley by his side. She was standing close to him, their fingers touching as they were propped on the short wall. She was really pretty, he thought, and glanced over her. Her cheeks were flushed from the firewhiskey she had drank and she was smiling slightly, amused. He himself, he had to admit, was sort of drunk. It was helpful, but he still felt embarrassed when she turned to him, stood on her toes and kissed his lips. He had kissed her before, but certainly not like that, that was…Just different. She put her tongue in his mouth and pressed her body to his. He had a hard time giving into that, despite all the liquor, but when she took his hand and guided it to her bum, he woke somewhat. He touched the back of her neck with his other hand and gently turned them around. He sensed a smile forming on her lips through the kiss, a sign she must have liked it. It encouraged him even more and he moved his hands to her thighs pulling her up, she smiled even wider and Remus kissed her even fiercer. It all didn’t feel fully right to him, he was fully sure he had no feelings for her, but he also made her no promises. That was how he excused himself, as he slowly and clumsily started to unbutton her shirt. She wore a very pretty, half transparent lace bra underneath it, very pretty bra indeed. He placed a wet kiss on her cleavage and as he did, her head flew backward and her fingers tangled in his locks. He felt so pleased with himself, making her react like that. Quite manly, and he surely needed some manly feelings right now. He cursed himself for thinking about it, tried to shake off his thoughts as his lips were tracing a line down Ismene’s stomach. Just don’t think about it. But when the Ravenclaw brought his chin up and sucked her lips to the sensitive spot behind his ear, he couldn’t help it. The images of that unfortunate night flashing through his mind.  
“Wach you duinn?” Remus mumbled feeling lips on his ticklish neck. He laughed a little.” Hey Padfoot, that tickles” His voice now a giggle.  
“Well then we have to figure out how to stop it from tickling, right?” Sirius’ question was filled with something strange. His voice deep and different, but not really drunk. He actually sounded surprisingly sober for the amount of alcohol he poured in himself. His lips now more wet on Remuses neck, tracing some path on his pale skin, heading for the jaw, sucking the skin there lightly, going behind his ear. That is a very sensitive spot, Remus thought as he suppressed a grown from escaping his lips. Oh lord it’s a really sensitive spot. And suddenly he felt Sirius’ hand shyly touching his thigh. He opened his eyes, just now realising they were even closed. Their eyes met, a pair of foged grey eyes looking at him with… Something. He studied them for a while, noticing every line and curve in the silver irises, noticing how extended his pupils were, and most importantly noticing how they were glancing at Remuses lips. The werewolf’s hands gripped the carpet underneath them, and he swallowed heavily. If Sirius was allowed to glare over his lips like that, Remus was also. Confidence rising in him. He swallowed even more heavily when he spotted his friend’s newly wetted, graceful mouth, parted, as ready for what came next. And what came next was beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Shy and filled with certainty. And as their hands gripped each other, they only thought of how pleasant it felt, and not what it meant, or what would come next, as they were just boys. And they kissed, and touched, and smiled into each other's lips. And when Sirius kissed the sensitive skin behind Remuses ear once again, Remus didn’t hold the sound escaping his lips anymore, and it came out as his friend’s name.  
“What?” Ismene asked, pulling away and Remus came to his right mind.  
“What?” He repeated dully, not even opening his eyelids. He gripped her thigh more firmly wanting to pull her closer. But she showed him off.  
“What’s wrong?” He took his hands off her in horror. What has he done?  
“Just…” She hesitated, closing her eyes, and opening them again. Consternation in her image. She frowned and pushed him away fully, buttoning her shirt back.”Just leave me alone, okay? In like, don’t ever talk to me again.” She finished and in a second she was gone behind the door to the stairs. And Remus was utterly lost. He did lose his control for a moment, what horrible thing could he have done? Shame scattered through him and he looked up at the moon again, pleadingly. 

***

Remus hated this hopeless feeling of overstimulation, his mind overgrown with thoughts and experiences. He couldn’t focus on anything, anxiety burning in his stomach. It was even bad when the overstimulation came from good things, Remus just had a hard time dealing with too much at once, so when there were too many bad events, he was out of his bloody mind. He nervously flipped another page of the book, realizing he doesn't remember a word from the previous one, so he flipped it back staring at the words. He mechanically brought his fingers to his lips and started to chew on the fingernails. He wanted to flip the page once again, realazing, again, he remembered, again, nothing. He sighed, agrily, closing the book altogether and banging his head on the leather cover.  
“Merlin Remus, that book is at least 500 years old” Someone near him pointed and he heard the chair scratching the ancient wooden floor.  
He peaked out just one eye from under his arms, that were rounding his head. Lily.  
“Well, I’ll beat myself over that later, if I’m not dead from my agony” He cried burying his face deeper in the fabric of his sweater.  
“That's odd.” She murmured putting her books on the library table.  
“Hmm?” Remus’ hum was half asking what she said, but a moment later the words got to him, so he then was asking what did she mean by that. She didn’t answer so he frowned and so he un-buried himself. He looked at her with annoyance and she was just flipping the pages of her book, lip bit and eyes focused.  
“Lily” Still no answer.”Lily!” She finally came back to life and slightly raised her brows as she eyed him in confusion.  
“What’s odd?”  
“Och.. it’s just that you’re not usually that down this time of… you know.” She mumbled and got back to her book.  
Well, she was right. He was wasting his best time during cycles on worrying, soon the full moon would start to come, and he would get helplessly tired and irritated. But how does one not worry? He constantly got flashes of Ismene’s disgusted look.  
“You’re not friends with Ismene Gorley, are you?”  
"Who? Oh, no, no, I'm not" Her dismissiveness was at least annoying. She could dismiss James like that, but Remus? It was simply unusual.  
"I'm not the only one being odd today." He pointed out, propping his cheek on his hand."Something happened?"  
She sighed and closed her book. Something definitely happened.  
"It's just… It's my sister."  
"What about her?" Remus asked, all worrisome. He liked the surnes in his voice, it was like this around Lily, he loved the way he felt around her.  
"She just generally hates me. I've been sending her letters again lately, not even one response. For bloody sake, I'm her sister!"  
"Shhhh!"  
Lily hunched a little into herself at the reprimand. She really did look miserable.  
"Isn’t it always like this? With siblings I mean.”  
“I don’t know.. I don’t really wanna talk about it anyway. What is it that troubles your brilliant mind?” She followed her question with propping herself on her elbow just like Remus and pulling a little closer.  
“I think I did something horrible. I don’t know what though.” He starts, but he meets the redhead's questioning gaze."With Ismene, we..You know, went to the Astronomy Tower and… och you know. And then she just stormed off, I mean I might have got lost in my thoughts for a moment and I don't know what I did but, honestly what could I have done? My hands were where she signaled she didn't mind before. I just feel like I fucking molested her, the look on her face…" He was chattering, a little louder with every word.  
"Shhhh!" The librarian silenced him and he gave her an apologizing look. Certainly not a usual situation, Remus Lupin and Lily Evans nosing around in the library. He should be more quiet though, not just because it was a rule, but because not everyone needed to hear how he molested some girl.  
"Well I wanna believe that you didn't molest her Remus, maybe you said something?"  
He considered for a while and then he recollected what he was thinking about then, what exactly he was thinking about. Shit. Shit shit shit shit. No way, no way he did that.  
"I have to go" He spluttered and grabbed his bag.  
"Yeah, see you later" She murmured and opened her book again. It was not a conversation day for both of them.  
He hurried out of the library, and went into a pace down the crowded corridor. He thought about what was he actually doing, where was he going. He didn't even know where she would be. He thought about his situation in this very moment. She could have told someone, that would mean the fucking end of the world. He didn't even consider to be calm right now, this was not something one could be calm about. So he paced down the corridor, as fast as he could, he looked around at the students and hoped he would see her, or one part of him hoped that, the rational part of him. The other part of him wanted to curl up in some closet, shut it with every possible charm he knew and cry himself to exhaustion and then sleep. Good he practised so hard all his life to push the first instinct as his primal. On the outside he was all together, only his quick march exposing any distress, but on the inside he was boiling. He felt actual, physical pain, a dagger through his stomach making him want to puke. And when he finally saw her, the dagger twisted and he truly almost puked. He swallowed gracefully, he hoped, and on his trembling legs walked over to Ismene, who was surrounded by her friends, what was not helpful. She saw him too.  
“Get the hell away from me.” Ismene snarled, her whole body tensed.  
“Please just...can you just talk with me for a minute? Please.” He pleaded, focused hard not to cry.  
She must have noticed the horrible state he was in, since her figure relaxed a bit. Remus anxiously eyed her friends and he did not meet the disgust and fury he anticipated, only subtle shock, almost like she hadn’t told them, he so badly counted she hadn’t told them. Eventually she gave in and moved towards him.  
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He praised when they walked some distance from her group in a less crowded part of the hallway. Ismene crossed her arms and looked at him from under her brows.  
“Minute, not a second more.”  
“At the beginning, I’m so utterly and miserably sorry, for what we are about to establish that I have done, so, so, so sorry.” He started, spitting every word as articulate as he was able to manage.” I honestly don’t remember what I did, I have my suspicions, but, please, could you just tell me?”  
She sighed, rising her hand and massaging the place between her eyebrows with her fingers.  
“Why did you do it? Went out with me I mean. You have been distant about me most of the time and then this, this just confirmed what I thought. You don’t give a shit about me. So, why?” She stood up straight as she spoke and Remus noticed the pain transcripted with her words. He was such a jerk, such an idiot.  
There was silence for a long moment, as he didn’t really know why and he also didn’t wanna lie to her, he didn’t wanna hurt her even more. She was smart, kind, so interesting and so pretty, but he still knew he had no hint of feelings for her. No feeding her lies, just honesty. He was gonna make it right.  
“I don’t know, you are the most amazing girl in the world, you were interested. I really don’t know, I also don’t know why i can’t feel anything for you, and trust me I want to. And honestly, it didn’t cross my mind you would be hurt by me, I would never consider a situation whe…”  
“Merlin stop. Just stop. Why on earth do you have to be so bloody wonderful, it’s hard to hate you then and I have every right to hate you right now.”  
“Yes, you do…”  
“Do not interrupt me. You whispered his name, right in the middle of a perfectly pleasant snogging, you must have crushed it, by whispering his bloody name almost to my ear!”  
“Please not so loud.” He begged hunching in.”It’s not like that Ismene, it’s…”  
“Oh don’t be so terrified you prep, I won’t tell anyone and I don’t care he’s a dude, as I guess that were your worries.It was just so humiliating you know, to have the boy you like say someone else's name when you're all over him. I cried the rest of the night and I rarely cry.” She seemed to be finished, giving of a final sigh.  
“Thank you, I didn’t deserve it, your time and you. Again, I’m sorry, I’m… If you ever need your homework done, you know where to come “  
The corner of her lips perked up at the offer, though the sadness did not disappear from her eyes, and straled off back to her pack. Well, that was not so entirely bad, he thought. He is still alive, Ismene promised she wouldn't tell anyone and her smile resembled somewhat of a forgiveness. Not so bad indeed. 

*** 

Resolving things with Ismene was not the end of Remuses problems. There was also the fact that he might be slightly attracted to one of his best friends, and that he very much snogged that very friend. Since that night, they haven't even spoken, somehow managing to avoid each other. They threw glances at one another, when they thought the other one was not looking, scared and longing glances. Remus knew they would have to talk about it at one point or another but he couldn’t bring himself to start this conversation. His mind was coming up with million reasons why not to do it. He regrets it, it’s best if we both simply forget about it, never mention it again. Do you want to see that disgust in his eyes when he tells you that was an awful mistake, that he would never do that if he wasn’t drunk, that you are loathsome and it makes him want to puke when he thinks about it? He exhaled and stood straight. He’s going to do it now or never. He looked up at the stairs and a new wave of anxiety hit him, Sirius is supposed to be there, alone, and he is going to talk to him. He took the first step up, what was hard, but every other step was even harder, closer and closer. His fingers went cold and he felt cold sweats all over his body. Before he took the last step, he pinched himself, breathed deeply, breathed again. Then he put his hand on the door handle, breathed again, thinking that when he comes in, he will have trouble doing it, so it’s best to take in as much oxygen as he can. The door clicks and he slowly opens it. With the first look around the room he thinks Sirius is not there after all, but then spots him, curled up in a blanket, sitting by the window, his hair out of bun so they’re all over his face. Remus walks in, and shuts the door behind him, the sound louder than the one of opening them.  
“If you’re gonna ask one more thing Peter, I swear I’ll turn into Padfoot and eat you.” He burks, tugging the blanket around him.  
“Do you often threaten Peter? Maybe that’s why he’s so bloody scared all the time.” Remus laughs, his voice weak, you can hear that much energy was put into not stuttering.  
Sirius says nothing, he tenses in place for a moment. Remus walks deeper into the room and sits on his own bed.  
“You finished that work on the herbology? I can’t remember the last time I struggled with homework like that! I read possibly every book on the…”  
“What do you want Remus?” Sirius’ harsh voice cuts him off. Just like he feared, he can’t even stand Remuses presence. He nervously wipes his hands in his robes and wants to swallow, but his throat is too tight. He has no idea what to say.  
“I’m going to go, I’m.. i’m sorry.” He murmurs and hurriedly gets up preparing to storm out of the dormitory but then Sirius turns his head and speaks.  
“No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I did that.” His voice filled with shame. Something shifts in Remus, a thought pops into his mind, a thought too good to be true, but he is Remus Lupin, so he crushes that hopeful thought. Their eyes meet, sorrowful grey iriser and fearful golden brown ones.  
“We don’t have to talk about this, I know you feel like we have to, like we have to settle this. I just…” He cuts off and shuts his eyelids close, the muscles on his face tense in a strange way, but then Remus realises. He tries not to cry. And Remus just doesn’t understand. He so badly wishes he had something to say, he came here to talk, why can’t he recall all the things he wanted to say, he was coming up with them for hours, hours of intense brain work don’t disappear like this, gone into nothingness. Sirius notices his consternation.  
“Say it Remus, just say it, rip off that fucking bandaid, I’m so miserable right now I don’t think it can get any worse.” He smiles bitterly and looks out of the window again.  
“What do you think I want to say?” Remus struggles out frowning deeply. He feels like in potions, he tries hard to understand what’s going on, but some topics he simply can’t get. But this can’t be learned by heart later, so he can pass the exam perfectly, this is now. His friend's eyes are on him again.  
“That I should never have done it, that I’m disgusting, that I’ve just ruined our friendship, that you can’t look at me. I don’t know Remus, all the things you must have thought!” He snaps all of a sudden and he no longer holds his tears in.”I’m so sorry, I know, I should never have done it, I should’ve just kept it all in me, but I love you so much Remus, you have no idea, you have no idea how good it felt then, when you started kissing me back. Merlin, it’s so…” His words hit Remus painfully in the stomach. That hopeful thought he crushed, the thought that felt so dreamy. Sirius liked it. He bloody liked it. He opens his mouth, about to speak again, tears running down his face and dripping on his blanket. But Remus speaks first.  
“I’m glad you did it.”  
“What?”  
“I’m glad you did it. I’m glad you kissed me.” He no longer mumbles with a frightened voice. He looks deep into Sirius’ eyes and announces confidently, and those eyes widen in shock, the tears in them that were about to take the pace down his cheeks a moment before, hold in place on his water line. And they stare at each other, and into each other. And they see all those turned-away glances, all those smiles and all those touches. They both seem to know now, see what they couldn't see before. Remus walks over to the window and sits down. He cubs Sirius' cheek in his palm and wipes the tears on it with his thumb. Sirius closes his eyes and so does Remus, who then leans in and presses his lips to his friend's one. Now they're no longer scared and they feel like they will never be, as long as they've got each other.


End file.
